Cherish Your Heart
by blue-cornmoon
Summary: After Mercedes turns Sam down on Valentine's Day, Quinn struggles with what it means to be stuck in that place where she is a best friend to Mercedes and wanting to be more. Set during 3x13 'Heart'. One Shot for Quinncedes Week '13.


**A/N:** I wrote this a while ago when I had angsty Quinncedes feels. One of my favorite Glee episodes is 'Heart' for several reasons even though it's so darn heart-breaking. Then, listening to Cherish/Cherish one night, I made it even worse when I imagined what it would be like if Quinn was harboring feelings for Mercedes. First attempt at angst.

* * *

"_You don't know how many times I wish that I had told you…"_

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

I saw it in the way she looked at him. She was in love with him. Hopelessly so.

Mercedes never truly stopped loving Sam. It had always been him.

_Always._

That's why it hurt so much to watch the two of them. So in love with one another but afraid to make it official.

I love her.

I've _always_ loved her.

I've just never had the guts to admit it to her. I guess I'm just a coward that way.

But I needed to be near her. That's why I joined the God Squad. I had hoped it'd be just us two, like it was when we lived together. I wanted that intimacy.

I _craved_ it.

I wanted to be reminded of sophomore year when we'd pray and attend church together. When we were close.

So close.

_Soul_ sisters.

I really missed that.

Those were better times.

But so much has happened since then and we are no longer as close as we used to be. It's my fault really... but I'm too afraid to change things.

And I know she's better off without me.

She's changed a lot since back then.

She's happier. Much more confident in herself and she wears it well. I know I'd just mess it all up. So I stand here swaying and watching her sing the song she thinks she's singing for Brittany and Santana knowing that she's really singing it for him.

Most importantly, I know I'm singing it for her.

It hurts but if this is the only chance I'll get to be as close as I can get to her, I'll take it every time.

Even as it kills me to see her love someone else.

* * *

**XXXX**

"I told him I couldn't be with him..." she sobbed into my lap. "But I still love him... What's wrong with me?"

"Shhhh...nothing is wrong with you," I told her softly stroking her hair. "You'll be fine...maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but I promise you'll survive this. We'll survive this. Together."

She glanced up at me then with the saddest eyes and softly replied, "I love you so much Quinn." She reached up and gripped my fingers tightly in her own.

I bent down and kissed her forehead. "I love you too, Mercedes." She gave me an unreadable expression before she rested her head back down in my lap. I let her cry for as long as she needed to, wiping her tears away as they fell.

Holding her like this gave me a strange sense of déjà vu, except last time, it had been me sobbing my heart out in her lap.

When I moved in with Mercedes two years ago, most days I couldn't stop crying. It was almost as if I was in mourning.

I guess it sort of was like I was mourning. For my old life anyway. The one where my parents still loved me and people still cowered at my feet when I walked down the McKinley hallways clad in my Cheerios uniform with my high pony intact. I sobbed for the miserable life I had then and what I felt I was missing.

I had no boyfriend, no popularity, no respect... In the blink of an eye, all the things that I thought were important were all gone.

I was miserable!

Eventually after I moved in with her, Mercedes made me see life a different way. She taught me how to smile again. How to like myself again. What love truly felt like. For the first time in my life, I had a true friend. Someone who didn't care that I wasn't perfect. Someone who respected me when I had nothing. Living with Mercedes had been everything I needed and more.

She'd been there for me when I was at my weakest and slowly, she helped me build myself back up. She'd been my rock then and now it was my turn to be there for her.

She was tired when she eventually stopped crying, her eyes bloodshot and swollen. She rose to her feet and told me she was going to the bathroom to prepare for bed. I nodded and watched as she walked out the bedroom door.

My heart hurt for her and I couldn't help but be angry at the men in Mercedes' life.

Fucking Shane Tinsley. He had taken my best friend away from me the summer before senior year.

I showed up at her doorstep right after Jean Sylvester's funeral after Finn dumped me just as broken and messed up as the year before. Mercedes had been the absolute best, comforting me the way she used to sophomore year even though I didn't deserve her friendship after pretty much ignoring her the entire year. I was really going through it after losing my baby and dealing with my parent's divorce and when Finn offered me a piece of my old life back, I'm ashamed to admit how readily I jumped at the chance to be 'normal' again.

That entire episode obviously didn't end well but it made me remember what was important and soon after that, we'd started to build our friendship again.

Truth be told, I was in love with her.

I'm actually_ still_ in love with her, but I could never gather the strength and courage to tell her that. I never told her how much it hurt when she started dating Shane, firstly because l loved her and didn't quite know how to deal with those feelings yet, but also because I didn't want to be selfish. I knew Mercedes was hurting too.

Sam had just moved away and I knew how much she loved him. I almost laughed out loud when she finally told me that she was dating him. She thought I would be mad about it but the truth is I was cool with it.

To a small extent anyway...

As long as Sam respected her heart, I was perfectly okay with it.

Any wrong moves, I'd _kill_ him.

I actually thought they were quite cute together and I still felt bad for cheating on Sam the way I did. I didn't love him, not that way, but I _did_ care about him so of course I was happy that two people I really cared for had found each other

... even if I was in love with one of them.

The point is, Mercedes deserved better than my insecure, batshit ass.

In my eyes, I just wasn't good enough for her yet.

When Sam finally left, I was highly upset because I saw how much she was hurting. I knew it didn't make sense for me to be angry at him because it wasn't his fault he had to leave, but I hated seeing Mercedes hurt. The only silver lining to this situation was now that we were both single, I thought maybe I had a chance.

I almost told her the truth three times, but each time I lost my nerve and mumbled some pathetic lie. I was so afraid of how she'd react and I didn't think I could deal if my confession turned things sour.

I didn't want to lose her.

I _couldn't.._.

Fast forward a couple months later and here we are again, Mercedes and I both single, but I still couldn't bring myself to tell her...

She wasn't ready.

I wasn't ready.

The timing, as always, was just all wrong.

I walked over to her dresser and rifled through the articles of clothing. Mercedes still kept a drawer of my stuff in her room just in case I stopped over for an emergency sleepover like tonight. When I found what I was looking for, I quickly changed into my pajamas and sat on the bed, waiting for her to return.

When she came back, she flashed me a weak smile. I offered her the biggest one that I could muster even though it pained me to see her like this.

Even on her worse day, Mercedes was still so strong.

I admired that about her, always wanting to learn how to be that way myself.

"How are you feeling?" I asked, warmly, pulling her into a side hug as soon as she sat beside me on the bed.

"Better," she replied, leaning into my embrace. "Definitely better. Thanks for coming over Quinn," she replied.

"You're welcome," I responded, kissing her exposed shoulder. "Anything you need, I'm here."

She smiled at me again and I squeezed her hand.

Suddenly, she pulled me into a tight hug and though initially surprised, I readily sank into it.

When she was ready, she let go and crawled over to her side of the bed. "Goodnight Quinn."

"Goodnight," I replied.

* * *

**XXXX**

I couldn't sleep.

I glanced at the clock and saw that it was now 4:13 AM, but my mind was racing and I couldn't settle down. I listened to Mercedes breathing beside me, fast asleep. Turning toward her, I had to smile when I saw her all curled up in a ball. She was so adorable when she snored. I snuggled up to her.

I always felt safe when I was near to her.

Tentatively at first, I snaked my arm around her waist and held her close. I held my breath when she stirred, but was relieved when she relaxed. I closed my eyes attempting to fall asleep when I heard her softly whisper, "Thank you for being here Quinn."

I opened my eyes and noticed that hers were still closed.

"It really means a lot to me," she sighed.

"Anything," I replied. "I'd do anything for you. You're my best friend." Leaning forward, I kissed her on the cheek, gently at first, then more firm.

I couldn't help myself.

"I-I love you... Mercedes. I really, really love you," I choked out, nervously. My heart was racing. I couldn't believe I'd just said that to her. Could I be more obvious? I opened my mouth to explain myself, but she cut me off.

"I love you too Q," she replied squeezing my arm and snuggling closer. "Night, night," she yawned.

"Goodnight," I replied and before I knew it, she was asleep again.

I still couldn't sleep at all.

Her words had done something to me. I knew she meant that she loved me only as a friend, but I couldn't help but think of what it would feel like if she were saying it to me in another way.

Maybe I'd finally be...happy...

The possibility made me smile, just for a moment. Until realization hit me.

She'd never love me that way...

I shook my head fiercely and closed my eyes tight to stop the tears from falling to no avail. I looked right back up at her through my tears. She looked so peaceful and so beautiful.

_'She'd never be yours'_ I thought to myself sadly.

I continued to hold her tightly as I closed my eyes and tried to dry my tears as I cried myself to sleep.


End file.
